I wonderd why I even had kids...

I know that sounds harsh but here is a little background. My kids all know this so it's not a BIG secret, and it ends good so it's ok.

I didn't want kids and a family. I wanted to be a cardiac surgeon or an emergency room DR. I had been proposed to at least 5 times before where I literally LAUGHED in their face. (I wasn't a nice girl back then... I know I just opened myself up for tons of comments) That was all until Jim Hurley! I had the biggest crush on him from the time I was little. He had moved to California while I was in Colorado, but he was my security fall back boy. I could and did tell many people that HE was my boyfriend and it didn't matter if he was in California, we were in LOVE! He didn't know, but I never forgot him. I was in college and on track and had a steady boyfriend, with NO intention of being married and settling down when I find out that Jim was back in town. He had went to visit my grandma and the word spread. We had a mutual friend that was getting married and I KNEW he would be there so needless to say... I LOOKED GOOD!! (just ask him!) Sure enough, he was there, we talked at the reception although he wouldn't dance with me. I gave him my number and left with my mom to go home just an hour away. On the car ride home I told my mom that I would marry him. I thought at the time that she just blew me off, thinking yeah yeah yeah. But to my surprise 3 months later when I called her from California where we had come to see his family, and asked if her, my dad, and my sister could meet us in Vegas a few days later because we were going to get married on our way home, she didn't miss a beat and said "of course". She later told me that she KNEW that when I told her that I would marry him on that car ride home, that she never once doubted that it would happen. Awh sweet, I know. Ok so here we are today, well last night...

As we all know big families are not easy. They are complicated and hectic and it's always chaos. We had a pretty uneventful Christmas break, the kids stayed up super late almost every night and slept late every morning. Everyone stayed healthy, until I got sick Saturday evening that kept me up puking all night and then carried over to most of the day Sunday. Well Sunday night when it was time to get ready for bed and get cloths laid out we found a bug... yes a lice bug! I FREAK out over this. Mainly because in Colorado where I grew up it just wasn't a problem. Kids didn't get it very often and if they did it was usually the dirty kids. So quiet a few years ago when one of my kids had it (on Thanksgiving day) I cried for hours. I later found that it is a HUGE problem here because, well truthfully I don't know why, but they actually prefer clean hair. So the clean kids get it worse. (that's my defense) I do know that if you don't kill it on their head, treat others, wash ALL bedding, toys, furniture, carpet... pretty much EVERYTHING, that it will NEVER go away. Someone will get re-infested and the cycle will go on forever! Nothing like finding this out at 7pm the night before school starts back up, remember that I was super sick and that it wouldn't have been such a big deal ANY OTHER NIGHT THAN THIS. So I started ripping beds apart, washing sheets, blankets, heads, everything. I was in tears, not the good ones either. Before Christmas we had all watched this comedian Jeff Dunham, he's a ventriloquist and sings O' Holy night with his own words. Trever and I were in the laundry room on load 3 or something. I was spent, done, ka-put, still puking, exhausted from not sleeping the night before. If your a mom you know that kind of day! I started singing this song but with my own words... yes I do that ALL the time, I LOVE to sing. So I sing "O' holy crap, I think I'm going to throooow up." and Trever looks at me and says "mommy, you sing beautifully, I LOVE to hear you sing your so good". YUP I cried! Usually I have my MP3 player on, singing along and they are all yelling at me to shut up, and don't even ask them about the Wizard, but it has given me a complex and shot down any confidence I may of had. But this was my 8 year old monster, looking so sweetly and honestly telling me he LOVED to hear me sing. I melted. I walked in the bedroom with tears in my eyes and said to Jim "if someone would have shown me clips of my life, on nights like tonight when things are hell, I would have NEVER done this, I would have never had kids and my no marriage thing probably would have stuck... " he just looked at me like I was SO mean, probably because the kids could hear me. But I finished (I told you to wait till the end) "but for some reason I wouldn't change a thing. There usually aren't very many moments that the kids even notice what I do for them, much less me or my feelings. But those rare times that they reciprocate that true unconditional love that we devote to them, make it ALL worth everything, and I wouldn't change a thing. " I think he just thought I was delusional at this point, sleep deprived, sick and stressed out. I walk out of the room and puke. (I told you I was sick)

I have a lot of faith in God. I know that He only gives us what we can handle, even when I have questioned it. We have had some really tough times that people looking in from the outside would wonder what we were thinking. I don't always feel like I was dealt the most fair hand and feel sorry for myself. I sometimes doubt that I will be stronger for some of these things but in the grand scheme of things, this is the easy way, the ONLY way. It can always get harder and can always get worse. I am truly blessed with my tornado making, lice head, puking in my lap, cookie thief's, back talkers, attitude giving, text maniac, ice cream demanding, mismatched sock wearing, anti-chore activist, school conferences, sports, demanding being driven, homework refusing, boyfriends, girlfriends, frienemies, parties, rebellion, did I mention attitude crazy kids. It could be a lot worse. It has been a lot worse, it probably will be a lot worse, and even though I thought I didn't want this... I WAS WRONG!!! Yes Jim I admit I WAS SO DEAD WRONG! I make rash bad decisions occasionally, but going to that wedding and marring Jim was the best decision I have ever made. Without him I wouldn't have my monsters, and frankly my life would be dull and boring. I remember telling my mom all the time "I'm bored" (insert whining). I couldn't tell you the last time I was bored, and I love it. Even when I think I don't.

NEEDLESS TO SAY... TREVER IS DEFINITELY MY FAVORITE THIS WEEK! I'm off to make him home made cookies now. (the other brats will have to EARN them)